


An Absurd Affair

by OnTheFritz



Category: Cats (1998), Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats - T. S. Eliot
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24863191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheFritz/pseuds/OnTheFritz
Summary: Munkustrap and Alonzo have a secret. Tugger and Rumpleteazer are determined to find out why. Real silly stuff involving Etcetera, Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, Electra, and more! Munkustrap/Alonzo pairing.
Relationships: Alonzo/Munkustrap (Cats)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First fic on A03! Woo! This has also been posted on my account on fanfiction.net.
> 
> I do not own CATS.

It was a glorious day. The sun was shining, the birds had been singing (until breakfast time rolled around) and there wasn’t a single thing to do. Perfect day for lounging and relaxing.

Electra and Etcetera settled in among the pile of cushions they had gathered to engage in one of their favorite activities: cat watching and gossip. Unfortunately the only interesting cat that had wandered by was Munkustrap, who had bid them a quick good morning before hurrying off to do whatever important things he normally did. This left the queens to idly groom themselves and begrudgingly enjoy the peaceful silence of the morning.

Of course, in a junkyard full of Jellicles, this silence was not to last for long.

“Cettie, Electra, you have to see this. You’re not going to believe what’s going on over there.” Rumpleteazer interrupted the two queens, grabbing them by their shoulders and pulling them through a hastily made path in the junkyard.

“Wait Teazer, where are we going?” Electra tried to pull away but the queen’s grip was too strong.

“Look, look!” She hauled them forward, forcing them to crouch down with her behind an overturned refrigerator.

They were peering out into a rather secluded part of the junkyard, one that had become even more secluded with the addition of several carefully arranged piles of junk that made further shielded the area from prying eyes. In the middle of the clearing was a familiar tom, who was stretching his long, silver limbs in the sunlight, looking rather antsy about something.

It was Munkustrap, his back to the hidden queens, attention focused on another cat that had decided to join him.

“Is that _Alonzo_?” Etcetera whispered loudly. Electra and Rumpleteazer clapped their paws over her mouth.

“Shh, shh.” Teazer shushed her. “Just watch.”

The silver tabby didn’t so much as flick an ear in their direction, attention completely on the distinctive black and white cat in front of him. Alonzo was sauntering towards him, hips swaying from side to side in a deliberately sensual rhythm. It was no secret that Alonzo was a flirt (of course, no one was as large of a flirt at the Rum Tum Tugger) and he had been frequently seen rubbing up against many a queen during past Jellicle Balls. These were purely physical displays of affection, trading scents with the queens he liked, but never advancing to a more intimate relationship with any of them.

Never had he been caught turning his attentions towards the toms, however, and certainly not towards Munkustrap of all cats. The Jellicle Protector rarely gave any indication of wanting physical affections of his own, always being preoccupied with keeping the tribe safe and running the yearly ball. There were rumors of a relationship between him and Demeter, mainly fueled by the fact that she was the only queen he had been frequently seen with for any given length of time. Of course, the same amount of time had been spent with Alonzo as well, although no one questioned it since Alonzo was Munkustrap’s right hand cat.

Alonzo was certainly not wasting time. To the girl’s simultaneous scandal and delight the tom dragged his body across Munkustrap’s, flicking his tail under the protector’s nose as he passed.

“Been a while.” Alonzo murmured, looking up at Munkustrap with a sly smile.

“Too long.” Munkustrap’s voice was low, taking on a sensual edge that none of the queens had ever heard before. He trailed a paw over Alonzo’s chest, nuzzling the space between his neck and shoulder. They fit together so seamlessly, their touches so in sync, that there was no doubt that they had done this before.

“Thought it would take me ages to get you alone.” Alonzo turned around and rubbed his head against Munkustrap’s neck very slowly and very deliberately.

“Did he just _scent_ him?” It was Electra’s turn to whisper. “Like a _mate_?”

“They ain’t exactly exchanging a simple, friendly how do you do.” Teazer giggled.

“We shouldn’t be watching this.” Electra said.

“You wouldn’t believe it if I just told you without proof.”

“No one’s ever going to believe this.” Etcetera sounded way too excited. “ _Munkustrap_ and _Alonzo_. Together. _Mates_.”

It would have been a romantic moment for the two toms if they didn’t have the peanut gallery watching them in secret. Munkustrap held Alonzo to him, breathing in his scent deeply. He murmured something in his lover’s ear. Alonzo smiled, face so loving and happy that it stopped the queen’s nervous giggling. They swayed together for a moment, lost in their happiness, totally oblivious to the world around them.

Then Alonzo bent over and twitched his tail, displaying himself before Munkustrap, giving the other tom a look over his shoulder that clearly stated what he wanted. The silver tabby let out a deep, low groan and he advanced on the other cat, roughly taking the black and white’s hips and-

“Aaaaaand we’re leaving.” Electra pulled the other two queens away with her before things could possibly get more heated. In a way she thought of Munkustrap as an older brother of sorts, and seeing him do- _that_ \- with Alonzo was more than enough to scar her for life.

“Aww, come on.” Etcetera pouted once they were far away on the other side of the junkyard.

“Didn’t think Munk had it in him.” Teazer let out a low whistle. “If he looked at me like that while grabbing my-”

“Don’t need the details, thank you!” Electra said loudly.

“But with _Alonzo_ , of all cats!” Etcetera squealed. “And it’s so obvious this isn’t their first- their first secret rendezvous.”

“Believe me, it isn’t. Though this is the first time I’ve seen them really have a go at-” Teazer asked.

“Teazer! Please!” Electra groaned. “I don’t need the mental images.”

“Oh come on, Electra, this is huge.” Etcetera said excitedly. “Munk has never had a mate in public, and now we know why! I wonder how long they’ve been together? And why is it a secret?”

“It’s not going to be a secret for long if you keep shouting about it.” Teazer playfully nudged her.

“Ooo, we have to keep it a secret! It’s so much more romantic that way.” Etcetera sighed.

“Forget romance, Munk’ll kill us if he finds out what we saw.” Electra muttered.

“Aw, Munk’ll be occupied for a while. We’ve got Lonz to thank for that. We scarpered before he even knew he had an audience.” Teazer grinned.

The three sat in gleeful (or, in Electra’s case, mortified) semi silence for a while, trying to come to terms with what they saw. And what they were going to do about it.

“And what are you three ladies up to?” Just to add to the absurdity of it all, the Rum Tum Tugger made a sudden appearance.

All three queens broke into an uncontrollable giggle fit. The resident curious cat draped himself over the nearest flat surface and waited. Surely they weren’t laughing at him. Surely.

“Nothing.” Teazer said in a singsong voice, biting her lip to keep from laughing again.

“Yeah, and I’m the Everlasting Cat.” Tugger drawled. “I can see that something’s got you three all riled up.”

“Oh, it’s not _us_ that’s riled.” Etcetera blurted out, covering her mouth with a gasp.

“See, now you have to tell me. I’m not leaving until you do.” Tugger, seeing a crack in their defenses, sidled up to Etcetera with a purr.

“Etcetera, darling, you don’t need to keep secrets from me.”

“Tugger, stop, I can’t!” The queen giggled, holding on to Tugger’s leg to anchor her. “Munk’ll-”

“So it has to do with Munk, eh? And what has my dear brother done to get you all in a fit?”

“We haven’t done anything.” Electra said darkly. “It’s all Teazer’s fault anyways.”

“There’s no way I could keep news like that to myself.” Teazer protested.

Tugger looked like he was going to burst. “What did Munk do?” He turned on Rumpleteazer. “You can’t just keep news regarding my brother from me. What if it’s something I need to do something about?”

“Oh, I don’t think you’ll want to do anything about this one.” Teazer stuck out her tongue. “Let’s just say there’s already enough cats involved.”

“Oh, oh, look, there he is!” Etcetera shook Electra’s arm, unable to contain herself.

Munkustrap made his appearance in the main area of the junkyard, taking up his usual place on the tire to keep watch. There wasn’t a hair out of place, not a single indication that he had been up to anything unusual. He noticed the three queens looking at him and gave a little wave. Immediately they burst into giggles, waving back and blushing furiously. The tabby raised an eyebrow but did not question their odd reaction. He did, however, raise the other one when the queens caught sight of Alonzo slinking into the junkyard and collapsed into a pile of laughter.

“Shutupshutupshutup he’ll knoooooow.” Rumpleteazer whispered helplessly as Etcetera tried to stuff her own tail into her mouth to keep quiet. Electra settled for turning several shades of red and covering her eyes.

Tugger looked at the queens, then at his brother, then to Alonzo. He was silent for a long moment. A full minute passed. Then he opened his mouth, closed it, then stood.

“I… I need to go.” The usual smirk was nowhere to be found on his face. Instead he looked uncharacteristically thoughtful. Quickly he made his exit.

“Everything alright?” Alonzo asked as he approached the queens, lounging down in the shade near them and giving the departing Tugger a curious look. Despite his previous vigorous scenting session he just had with Munkustrap he smelled nothing like the silver tabby. So far as the queens could tell he had done a thorough job of covering up his previous exertions.

“Oh, oh noooo. Not at all.” Etcetera giggled. “I mean, I mean, yes, we’re all fine. No trouble at all! How- how- how are you?”

“Can’t complain.” He seemed to be vaguely uncomfortable under their combined stares.

“I bet you can’t!” Teazer screamed, holding on to Etcetera for dear life.

Alonzo looked visibly disturbed. He turned to the only queen not losing her mind. “Electra, are they okay?”

The queen vigorously nodded her head. “Oh, yes. Absolutely fine. Just normal queen stuff.”

“Okay….” He flicked his tail, shifting his weight to settle onto one hip with a small wince. It was a small action, but, in the context of just what kind of position he had been in before, it was a very telling movement.

Etcetera let out a little scream and had to throw herself face first into Teazer’s shoulder. The red tabby let out a very unladylike cackle.

“What? What’s wrong?” Alonzo frowned. “Something’s going on. Is it something I said? Did I do something?”

“Nothing! I swear!” Electra shrieked loud enough to get Munkustrap’s attention. The silver tabby slowly got down from the tire and started to meander over.

“Oh, I can’t handle this right now!” Teazer vacated the premises in the blink of an eye. Etcetera ran off with her, leaving poor Electra alone with the last two toms she wanted to be stuck with.

“Hello, Electra. Everything going alright over here?” Munkustrap asked gently, voice tinged only with light concern. There was none of the deep, lusty growls of before.

Just the thought of what he sounded like earlier made her blush. Alonzo didn’t move from his spot but his eyes snapped to Munkustrap, trailing over the protector with renewed interest. This did not go unnoticed by the uncomfortable queen.

“It’s fine!” She squeaked. “Just Teazer and Cettie acting w-weird!”

“If there’s something wrong you can tell me.” Munkustrap sat down next to her so that she was boxed in between the two toms.

“Do I need to leave?” Alonzo asked, sounding like he’d rather not. Although he was out of physical touching distance from Munkustrap his body language spoke volumes. Volumes that Electra desperately did not want to read.

“N-no.” Electra stood, tripping over her own feet. Munkustrap reached out to catch her but she did an impressive mid air twist and righted herself. She ran away as if Macavity himself were after her, leaving the two toms very confused.

Over the next few days all the three queens could think about was what they saw. Any time Munkustrap so much as breathed in Alonzo’s direction they fell into a fit of giggles, a fact that did not go unnoticed by either tom. A positive side effect was how… different Munkustrap was when Alonzo was around. It wasn’t obvious to anyone that didn’t know about his relationship but through this new perspective it seemed to be clear as day.

Every time the black and white cat was in his vicinity he seemed to become more relaxed, more self assured. He didn’t become an entirely different cat but always seemed to have a smile lingering around his face. Even after Alonzo left he retained a sort of cheerful demeanor that spread from him like a ray of sunshine.

Alonzo was still his usual, flirty self, but it was apparent that he preferred to spend most of his free time near Munkustrap. To a casual observer it seemed that the two were simply working together and close friends. If only they knew….

Once Tugger figured it out he made it his mission to get a confession from one of the cats themselves. Preferably from Munkustrap, but his brother was a tough one to crack. The fact that he kept their relationship a secret wasn’t as much a surprise as simply who he was in a relationship with. It did explain why Alonzo was one of the only young toms in the junkyard who didn’t seem to be enamored with Tugger’s antics. While he couldn’t understand what the black and white cat saw in his brother, he did have to admit that they seemed good for each other. He hadn’t seen Munk this happy in… well, ever.

Alonzo would be easier to break. Unlike Munkustrap he didn’t know all of Tugger’s tricks. First and foremost, however, Tugger needed to know what exactly it was the queens saw. For science. And possible blackmail. Overall he needed to know what he was working with. Then he could come up with a plan.

“Hey, Teazer, can we talk a moment?” Tugger sauntered up to the queen, who was sunbathing with Jemima and Bombalurina on top of an abandoned car.

“What you want her for?” Mungojerrie piped up from inside the broken down vehicle, sticking his head out through the open window.

“Just a quick conversation, that’s all. Concerning things.”

Teazer immediately started to giggle. “I bet you do want to talk. Sure, just a sec.”

Both Bombalurina and Jemimia stared as Teazer slid down from the car. Mungojerrie started to say something but was quickly shushed.

“I’ll bring her back in one piece, I promise.” Tugger said with a wink. It did nothing to help Jerrie’s mood.

The two stepped away to a more private corner of the junkyard, both looking around in paranoia before huddling together in the shadow of an abandoned dishwasher.

“Tell me everything you know about Munkustrap and Alonzo.” Tugger said in a loud whisper.

Teazer grinned. “So you figured it out.”

“I think I know what’s going on but I want details.”

“You sure?”

“Dead sure. I’ve never seen my brother show interest in anyone, and suddenly it’s Alonzo? I need to know why.”

“Alrighty, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Teazer proceeded to describe what she and the other two queens saw in great detail, sparing no expense. Tugger greatly regretted asking for everything.

“And then, Lonz bent over and Munk-” She said altogether too loudly.

“Okay, okay, I’ve heard enough.” Tugger placed his paw over Teazer’s mouth as she started to elaborate on just what kind of position the two toms had been in. “I think I need to go spray myself with a hose or something to wash off the mental images.”

“You asked. Can’t help it if your brother likes to-”

“Enough!” Tugger pawed at his ears. “And never again do I want to hear the words ‘Munkustrap’, ‘Alonzo’ and ‘bent over’ in the same sentence.” He shuddered.

“So whatcha gonna do about this newfound knowledge of yours?” Teazer asked curiously.

“I’m going to get a confession from at least one of them. And I want to know why in the Everlasting Cat’s name they’re keeping this secret. There’s gotta be a good reason. And I need to know it.”

Teazer let out a little squeal in excitement. “Ooo! I want to help! It was me who discovered them after all.”

“Yeah, speaking of that, how did you of all cats find out about those two?”

“Oh, you know.” Teazer waved a paw vaguely in the air. “Jerrie and I were looking for new places in the junkyard to store some… some stuff we… found…. And I noticed that Munk was acting all smiley and whatnot so I had to follow him to see what put him in such a good mood- you know, in case he’s feeling cranky one day and no certain cat in particular needs to bug him about something they may or may not have done and we need him to be all smiley again- and then when I saw just who he was being all smiley about I had to watch.”

“How long have you been watching them?” Even Tugger, the least prudish of cats in the junkyard, had to raise a brow at the thought of Teazer being a peeping tom. Or peeping queen. Whatever it was.

“Oh! No, no, it’s not like that. They weren’t doing anything nearly that, uh, physical when I first caught them. Munk and Lonz were just cuddlin’ and chattin’. Very cute. Very wholesome. It’s when I brought Cettie and Electra into the mix was when the two decided to, er, ‘put on a show’ as it were.”

“That explains why Electra has suddenly turned into a statue every time a cat so much as looks in her direction.” Tugger mused. “Thought she was more open to that kinda thing.”

“Yeah, well, maybe on her own terms, but not when her older brother figure starts getting all down to business with his mate.”

“Older brother? Does she- does she see me like that too?” Tugger felt his stomach turn at the thought of all the times he wiggled his hips in her face during his ‘performances’. She always seemed open to the flirting (along with the majority of the junkyard), but if she thought of him as a brother….

“Oh no Tug! Not at all!” Teazer giggled. “You’re free to keep pelvic thrusting in all of our faces.”

“Right.” He coughed. “So. We need to come up with a plan.” 

“We have to get Cettie in on this too, or else she’ll have my hide.”

“If we can keep her quiet it won’t hurt to have her be on the lookout.” Tugger said.

“Lookout for what?” A very familiar, unwanted presence made itself known. Alonzo oozed out from whatever piece of broken furniture he had been napping on, looking like he had just woken up.

Teazer turned a very interesting shade of pink and started to giggle. Tugger clamped his paw over her mouth.

“Nothing that concerns you. Shoo.” The maine coon said. It had the opposite effect he wanted. The black and white cat settled himself down in front of Tugger, giving him a pointed look.

“Right. Try something else.” This wasn’t good. Alonzo was a perceptive cat and could very well pick up on just why Tugger and Teazer were suddenly buddies. And that just wouldn’t do.

“If you have to know, we’re… we were talking about….” Tugger’s mind spun, trying to think of any excuse, anything that would explain why they were acting so suspicious. “Munk’s birthday.”

“What?” Both Alonzo and Rumpleteazer asked, faces perfect mirrors of confusion.

“Yeah. Munk’s birthday. Want to keep it a secret though.”

“Really? I’d love to help.” Alonzo was suddenly all ears. Tugger mentally groaned.

“Well, Lonz, we’re just in the initial planning stages. Got to have several meetings to plan it out. Wanna do it right, since it’s Munk and all.” Teazer quickly stepped in. “And, seeing as you’re Munk’s right hand cat, we were thinking that you would be the best to, ah, keep an eye out for Munk and keep him away from our secret meetings. Since you know his schedule and all.”

Tugger watched the exchange, trying not to let his rising panic show through his normally cool exterior. The queen’s words were carefully turned over in Alonzo’s brain. Then, to their relief, he nodded.

“Makes sense. I can tell you that this afternoon Munk will be busy. For about and hour or so. He’s… got an important meeting.” His face was a smooth mask of calculated innocence. Both cats were mildly disturbed and impressed. What other secrets did Alonzo keep hidden behind that impenetrable veneer of deceit?

“Well, then I guess we’ll have another meeting this afternoon. Thanks for the tip.” Tugger coughed.

“You’re a real treat, Lonz, you know?” Teazer laughed, slapping the tom on the shoulder.

“Sure. You know, I’m going to go now, make sure that Munk stays occupied while you two make plans. Keep me informed.” Alonzo left in his usual slinky way, albiet more in a hurry thanks to Teazer’s unnerving laughter.

“Thought he’d never leave.” Tugger muttered. “We’re going to have to find somewhere more private to talk after this.”

“Ooo, that’ll fuel the gossip for a while.” Teazer giggled. “Not that I mind. Keeps Jerrie on his toes.”

“We won’t have to worry about that for long, not if we can get solid proof that dear old Munkustrap has been involved in a secret love affair with stuffy Alonzo.” Tugger said. “It’ll be all the junkyard will talk about.”

“You sure you can handle not being in the spotlight?”

“Well, it won’t last forever. And I think seeing the look on Munk’s face when Jenny and Jelly try to sit down and give him and Lonz the ‘responsible mate practices’ talk with be worth it.”

“You, sir, are devious. And I love it. But how are we gonna get proof? As much as I like a good show, I’m not keen on dragging half the junkyard to watch Munk and Lonz have their, ah, ‘tender moments’.”

“No, no, that’s not what I’m thinking.” Tugger said quickly, both he and Teazer shuddering at the thought. “I’m thinking that maybe if we snoop around Munk and Lonz’s dens we might be able to uncover something. Like, a secret diary or love notes or something sappy like that. Seems right up Munk’s alley. I swear he was born an adult. And then if we have proof we can show it to either him or Lonz and then they’ll have to spill.”

“I can sneak in and out, no problem. But it would be easier with a distraction to guarantee that they wouldn’t accidentally sneak up on us, or, Everlasting Cat forbid, barge in ready for a roll in the hay-”

“And that’s why that won’t happen. I have the perfect distraction.” Tugger interrupted her, pointing across the junkyard.

From their current hidden spot they could see the unmistakable figure of Tumblebrutus, his patched face screwed up in concentration as he fiddled with something hidden in the pile of junk. While still a kitten, he had experienced quite a growth spurt over the past month and his long legs were splayed in uncomfortable looking directions as he hunched over his current focus. Such concentration from the kitten was usually something that had the adults worried. What was more worrying was that his brother, Pouncival, was nowhere in sight, and where there was one kitten the other was usually not that far behind.

None of the other cats had noticed him yet, and Tugger hurried over to keep it that way, Teazer quickly following behind him. Tumble’s ears flicked towards them and he spun around, positioning his lanky body in between them and whatever was going on in the junk behind him.

“Why, if it isn’t the Rum Tum Tugger and- and Rumpleteazer! Hello!” Tumble squeaked loudly, eyes nervously darting between the two. “Whatever could you be possibly doing here in this incredibly boring part of the yard on such a- such a splendid day?”

“Hey, Tumble. Whatcha got going on over there?” Teazer asked, leaning to the side to see what he was trying to hide.

“N-nothing! Just stretching my legs!” Poor Tumble was no match for the duo: Tugger simply grabbed him by his shoulders and steered him to the side, the smaller cat unable to do much against the large maine coon.

Tumble had been sitting in front of an overturned barrel, which, from Tugger and Teazer’s point of view, seemed rather ordinary. Upon closer inspection, however, the sounds emanating from it were anything but.

“Didja find something?” Pouncival’s unmistakable voice whined from inside, sounding oddly tinny. “I don’t wanna die like this!”

“What in the… Pounce?” Tugger crouched down to get a better look. Something vaguely Pouncival shaped shuffled about, but there was something wrong with his head. It looked awfully… metallic.

“Aw, Pouncey, did you get your head stuck in a can again?” Teazer cooed as Tugger grabbed the kitten by the foot and dragged him out into the sun. There was indeed a discarded soup can securely fastened around Pouncival’s head. Luckily there was a hole rusted in the bottom so he could breathe.

“He thought there was clam chowder left in the bottom.” Tumble said, ears drooping. “I told him not to, but he insisted. I’ve been trying to get it off him so we don’t have to go back to Jenny’s. Again. She’ll have my hide as well as his.”

“How often does this happen?” Tugger couldn’t help but ask, lightly stepping on Pounce’s tail to keep him from running headlong into everything in sight.

“About once a week.” Tumble admitted.

“Nuh uh!” Pounce waved his arms about, nearly giving Tugger a black eye. His voice echoed through the can. “He lies! Who are you talking to? Is it Jenny? Please tell me it’s not Jenny!”

“We’ve gotta get it offa him before we can use him, Tugger.” Teazer said, grabbing the can and giving it a good pull. Predictably it did not come off.

“Use him?” Tumble asked, giving them a suspicious look. “What do you want with him?”

“Actually, we were going to use both of you, but we need him to be able to see.” Tugger tapped the top of the can. Pouncival went still, trying to angle his head so he could see out the hole.

“Huh? Whozzat? Who’s there? Tumble?”

“It’s me, furball. Sit still so we can get you out.” Tugger said into the can.

“Oh, hi Tugger.” Pouncival sat heavily on the ground, shoulders slumped. “This is great. Now you’ll never take me seriously.”

“Happens to the best of us, kiddo. But don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.”

“You do?” Tumble asked, looking hopeful.

“Jenny’ll get him out.” Tugger replied, picking Pounce up and slinging him over a shoulder. “It’s the fastest option.”

“No! No way!” Both kittens wildly protested. Pounce immediately began to flail, tail slapping Tugger in the face and legs kicking him in the ribs.

“Fine, fine! Stop!” Tugger all but threw Pounce to the ground, placing his hands on his hips and giving the kittens a stern look. “But I need both of you to be at the top of your game, which means that that-” He gestured to the can, “- needs to come off. How did Jenny do it last time?”

“She used some sort of slippery stuff from a jar. Smelled awful but worked great.” Tumble said, grabbing his brother’s shoulders and turning him around to face everyone else. “Before that she used butter.”

“Hmm. Neither are the kinds of things I would normally keep around.” Tugger leaned up against the barrel. “Might be able to convince Bomba or one of the other queens to ask Jenny if she’d-”

Rumpleteazer loudly cleared her throat. “In case you’ve forgotten, you’re in the presence of the one and only Rumpleteazer!”

The three cats stared at her. Well, two of them did. Pounce wiggled the can in her direction but it was anyone’s guess as to what he was actually looking at.

“Oh come on, you know the song!” She huffed. Still nothing. “Ugh, stay here. I’ll get the stuff.”

Tugger stretched luxuriously and settled on top of the barrel. “Thought she’d never volunteer.”

“Why didn’t you just ask her?” Tumble steered his brother to sit in the barrel again.

“Because, my dear Tumble, if anyone asks, she can only say that it was her idea. Thus I will not be implicated and subsequently blamed if she gets caught stealing from Jenny.”

“Oh.” Tumble looked like he understood about half the words, but he nodded all the same.

It didn’t take long for Rumpleteazer to return, holding a small jar triumphantly aloft. She trotted over and held out her prize. Tugger took it from her, visibly impressed.

“I have to admit, you are good. Perhaps too good.” He wrestled the jar open, wrinkling his nose at the slimy contents.

“Aw, thanks, Tug, you’re making me blush.” Teazer flicked her tail under his nose and helped Tumble hold Pounce still. The kitten seemed to sense that he was about to be greased up and started to struggle.

“Hey, Pounce, you want to be free, right? You gotta hold still.” Tumble said, all but sitting on his brother to keep him still.

“I’ve changed my mind! I don’t want to anymore! I’ll be a can cat forever, that’s fine!” The kitten shrieked.

It took the three of them to pin him down, much to everyone’s surprise. Pouncival was still rather small for his age, having not hit a growth spurt yet, but retained an unnatural flexibility and ability to wiggle his way out of just about anything, especially if he was about to get in trouble. The struggle wound up with Pounce flat on his stomach, Tumble coiled around his legs and Teazer holding his arms, and Tugger sitting on his back.

“Now, sit still or I’m going to end up greasing more than just your neck.” Tugger warned.

“Be careful, Tug, that stuff doesn’t come out easily.” Teazer said.

“Great. If this stuff gets stuck in my mane I’m telling everyone that it was both your fault.” Tugger said, pointing a look at Tumble, who cringed. The second his fur touched the contents of the jar it clumped together, and hurriedly he smeared it all around Pouncival’s neck in an attempt to wipe it off.

Pouncival howled, the can acting as a funnel and echoing his displeasure all around the junkyard. Tugger worked quickly, hoping against hope that everyone was busy napping or lazing about in the sun to notice the kitten’s torture.

“Shut- up- or I’ll-” Tugger grunted, unable to finish his sentence as Pounce reared back his head, hitting him square in the face. “Pouncival! Everlasting Cat, hold still!”

Teazer let go of the kitten’s arms and grabbed hold of the can just as Pounce reared back again. With a satisfying ‘pop!’ the can came off, sending the three toms tumbling into a heap.

“Argh! It’s so bright!” Pounce rolled around in the dirt, smearing grease everywhere. Tugger got out of the way but Tumble wasn’t so lucky. Soon the two cream colored tabby kittens were a mess of dirt and grease. Miserably Tumble shoved Pounce off him, trying to clean himself up but failing.

“Alright you two, listen up.” Tugger put his hands on his hips again, immediately smearing grease all over himself. “Oh, great.”

After a quick bath (or, in Pounce’s case, a thorough scrubbing), the four cats reconvened in the abandoned car, this time with the addition of Etcetera. Mungojerrie, Bombalurina and Jemima had left long ago, making the car the most private place to discuss their plans. The excitable queen immediately dissolved into giggles upon seeing a damp, peeved Pouncival, whose fur was still sticking up in spiky clumps around his neck.

“Yeah, yeah, Cettie, laugh it up.” Pounce muttered. “Let’s see how you like it when it happens to you.”

“Alright, listen up.” Tugger said, trying to talk over the queen’s giggles, “We don’t have much time. Tumble, Pounce, we need you to- hey, are you even paying attention?”

The brothers were doing anything but. Tumble had gotten interested in something shiny on the floor of the car, disappearing up into the dashboard, Pouncival trying to follow but getting stuck. Again. Etcetera was pulling on Pouncival’s tail to try and get him free.

“Face it, Tug, it’s a lost cause.” Teazer sighed as the tom stepped in and pulled Pounce out in one swift motion. Tumble came out soon after, both looking as innocent as they could and failing miserably.

“Look, what’s it going to take to get you two to cooperate?” Tugger asked, leaning up against the upholstery. “I know there’s something that’ll make you two focus for more than five seconds.”

The two kittens shared a look. Tumble nudged his brother forward on the seat. Pounce looked everywhere but at Tugger, ears twitching erratically. Finally he mumbled something.

“What?” Tugger asked.

“PutinagoodwordwithBombaforme.” The tom muttered, turning red. Etcetera and Teazer both started their maddening chorus of giggles.

“Excuse me?”

“Nevermind, forget I said it. It was a stupid request. I’m gonna go die now.” Pounce tried to slink away but was stopped by Tugger grabbing his ankle and hauling him back.

“Wait a minute, do you have a thing for her?” Now that was an interesting piece of information. Of course, Bombalurina was far and away out of Pouncival’s league, but Tugger had to hand it to him, when he aimed high he went all out.

“Uh, yeah, who doesn’t?” The tom’s face turned dreamy. “I’d do anything to have her notice me.”

“Yeah, you rubbing yourself all over her at last year’s ball wasn’t exactly subtle.” Tumble snorted.

“Shut up, you’re just jealous!” Despite being held hostage Pounce still managed to land a swipe on his brother, leading the two to fall into their preferred way of arguing: wrestling.

“Hey, hey, break it up! Fine! I’ll put in a good word for you with Bomba. What she does after that is entirely up to her.” Tugger pried them apart. Tumble sat over by Teazer, letting the queen groom his ruffled fur.

“Great!” Pounce immediately forgot to be embarrassed. “Whatcha want us to do?”

“Right.” Tugger adopted a cool, unaffected pose. Etcetera immediately attached herself to his leg. Time to get back on track. “So, we need you to distract Munkustrap and Alonzo for a bit. Just keep them occupied and far away from their dens.”

“Why?” Tumble asked, suspicious.

“Why not? Just for fun.” Tugger wasn’t sure if it was the best idea to let the toms in on the secret. Tumble might have been able to keep the knowledge under wraps, but Pounce certainly wouldn’t. Although… Etcetera had kept quiet so far, and she was the first kitten everyone went to when they wanted knowledge spread around the junkyard like wildfire.

“Yeah, nothing’s ever ‘just for fun’ when it comes to causing trouble around Munk and Lonz.” Pounce said. “We’re not _stupid_.”

“Pounce’s right.” Tumble said. “We wanna know why we gotta make trouble before we do it.”

“Fine, fine. But you have to keep it a secret. If word gets out then I’ll never talk to either of you again, and that includes talking to Bomba on your behalf.” Tugger leaned in closer. “Munkustrap and Alonzo are-”

“They’re in love!” Etcetera squeaked, bouncing up and down next to Tugger’s leg. “Teazer and Electra and I saw them! They’re _mates_!”

Silence fell upon the group. Tumblebrutus went a strange color. Pouncival gagged.

“Gross! Don’t say stuff like that!” Pounce said, scooting away from the excited Etcetera. “Cettie, don’t make up junk about- about that!”

“It’s true! I swear upon the Everlasting Cat as my witness!”

“Well, that’s a surprise.” Tumble said, voice sounding slightly strangled. “W-why haven’t they said anything?”

“That’s what we want to know.” Tugger cut back in. “And we plan on-”

“But… why don’t you just ask them?” Tumble asked. Silence fell upon the group again. Not so much because of the question itself, but because Tumble of all Jellicles asked it. No one quite knew what to say.

“Because… that’s just too easy. And Munk’ll never admit it without proof.” Tugger said, not wanting Tumble to be the reasonable one in this situation.

“’Sides, this is much more fun!” Teazer threw an arm over Tumble’s shoulders. “Don’t tell me you’ve lost your sense of adventure!”

“No, no, I haven’t!” Tumble squeaked.

“You sound too mature. What have you done with my brother?” Pounce asked, batting at Tumble’s ears.

“Focus everyone, focus!” Tugger shouted. When did he become the responsible adult? It didn’t suit him. He had to remember the end goal, the mission in mind. Keep on track before everything got derailed. A little focus went a long way. Great, now he was starting to sound like Munk.

Tugger’s shout did the trick. Obediently everyone settled and waited for him to continue.

“Alright. Munk and Lonz are a secret couple. I want to know why. But we can’t just go asking them because neither will admit it. If we can get some proof, some hardcore evidence- Teazer, no, not like that, stop laughing- some physical thing- Cettie, not you too, come on- I mean something that we can show to them, then they’ll fess up. If they don’t, then at least we’ll have some good blackmail for the future.”

“So… you want me and Tumble to distract them while you go rummage through their stuff?” Pounce asked, wiggling impatiently.

“Yeah. But you have to swear not to tell anyone that you know about this plan.”

“Eh, so long as you tell Bomba how great I am, then I’m in.” Living up to his name, he pounced on Tumble, sending them both sprawling. “And I’ll make sure this spoilsport is in on it too.”

“I am not a- argh!” Back to the wrestling. Tugger rolled his eyes. At least part one of his grand plan was complete. Operation ‘Make Munkustrap and Alonzo confess their secret love relationship to the rest of the junkyard’ was almost a go. They would have to come up with a better name eventually.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tugger and the others get ready to enact Phase Two of Operation ‘Make Munkustrap and Alonzo confess their secret love relationship to the rest of the junkyard’. Munkustrap suspects something. No one's ready for Pounce and Tumble's grand distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This has been a blast to write. Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement!
> 
> This is the last chapter of this story but it has inspired a one shot: "Did It Hurt When You Fell From Heaven?" Feel free to check that one out if you want more!

Phase two started later that afternoon. Teazer had suggested they act while Munkustrap and Alonzo were busy with their ‘important meeting’ but Tugger wanted to still go ahead with Tumble and Pounce’s distraction, since he strongly suspected that the ‘meeting’ was going to take place in Munk’s den. The thought of barging in on the two was enough to make him shudder.

Again, he was all for supporting his brother in good health and happiness, but there were certain things he didn’t need to witness for himself. It was all well and good to embarrass Munk (because, face it, sometimes the tom was too uptight for his own good), but there were a few lines that Tugger did not cross. Purposefully walking in on his brother and his lover was one of them.

Rumpleteazer didn’t seem to have such lines. She had vanished to ‘go get ready’, whatever that meant, Etcetera following after her, leaving Tugger to watch Tumble and Pounce do… something. He really wasn’t sure what was going on. The two kittens were huddled together over some elaborate drawing they had done in the dirt. It was surprisingly detailed and took up a significant corner of the junkyard.

“Yeah, so, anyways, I’ll climb up and start screaming, and then you- _nothing’s going on_!” Pounce shouted automatically as Tugger’s shadow fell over them. “Oh, hi, Tugger. Thought you were Munkustrap.”

Tumble looked like he had a mini heart attack. His fur had fluffed up in surprise, contrasting hilariously with the sour look he was giving Tugger.

“Hey fellas, just checking in and seeing if you’re all ready to go.” Tugger drawled, raising an eyebrow at the diagram. Had they purposefully drawn it upside down?

“Yeah, just about. I was going over the fine details before I was rudely interrupted.” Pounce said, waggling the stick at him. “You and Teazer and Cettie ready?”

“Yep. Just waiting on you.” Tugger patted Tumble on the head. “Got a signal in mind?”

“Oh, you’ll know when we’ve started.” Tumble said, an unnerving grin eating away at the frown he previously sported. Tugger removed his paw from Tumble’s head before he lost it.

“Ah, yes, I’ll go join Teazer then. Carry on.” He was not afraid of the kittens, but he definitely felt it was better to be on the other side of the junkyard. Just in case. And quickly.

He found Rumpleteazer and Mungojerrie loitering near the car that was quickly becoming their not- so- secret hideout, doing their best to look casual. It… didn’t work. Upon seeing Tugger they ducked inside, motioning for him to follow. Etcetera and Electra were inside, both queens blushing when Tugger made his appearance.

“Not that I’m upset you’re here, Electra, but… what are you doing here?” Tugger asked as she shyly waved.

“She wants to help keep watch!” Etcetera said, giving her friend a squeeze.

“I… I thought it over and I want to know why Munk… why they want to keep things secret too.” Electra said.

“You mean you didn’t want to be left out on the gossip!” Etcetera gave her a playful nudge.

“Okay, that makes sense, but why are you here?” Tugger turned to Mungojerrie, who had draped himself over the back of the seat of the car and flashed Tugger a grin.

“Teazer told me everything after I accused her of going off and canoodlin’ with ya.” The tom admitted.

“Jerrie here and I are a package deal anyways.” Teazer said, cuffing Jerrie playfully alongside his head. “And it’ll be easier to get in and out of Munk’s with his help.”

“Figured.” Tugger sighed. Add in any more cats to the plan and might as well just tell the whole junkyard. “Let’s get into place before Tumble and Pounce start the distraction. Based on how they were acting it’s going to be big.”

Munkustrap, securely tucked away in his den, felt a cold shiver go down his spine. He raised his head, straining to hear or see anything that might have set him off. Immediately a warm, furry body rubbed up against his own, a paw gently but firmly pushing him back down.

“There’s still at least ten minutes before our ‘meeting’ is over.” Alonzo purred in his ear, slinging a leg over the tabby so he couldn’t get up.

Munk settled for nuzzling his lover’s head. “I can’t believe you told Tugger and Rumpleteazer that we were in a meeting.”

“I said that you were in a meeting. I specifically did not mention my involvement.”

“I’d say you were plenty involved.”

Alonzo huffed, gently nibbling Munk’s shoulder. “Just because I approached you in the first place doesn’t mean I’m always the instigator, Mr. ‘I need you now and I’m not giving you a chance to say otherwise’.”

“You… you do like this, right?” Munk asked, suddenly worried. “I thought you were fine with me-”

“Munk, just stop. Look at me. Look at us. Would I really let you do anything you wanted to me if I didn’t want it also?” Alonzo raised his head. “What’s going on? Why bring this up now?”

“I… I don’t know.” Munk sighed, idly tracing patterns in Alonzo’s fur. “Nerves, maybe.”

“Nerves?”

“I get the feeling that we’re not being as… secretive as we think we are.” The silver tabby gestured to them both. “About this. About us.”

“What makes you say that? If someone knew then the whole junkyard would know by now.”

“That’s what’s not adding up. I just have a feeling.” Munk said, sighing again. It was not wise to ignore his gut instincts, no matter how much anxiety it caused. Normally he would keep his feelings to himself and investigate on his own, but Alonzo could suss out his true thoughts like no other. It was somewhat disturbing how well the other cat could read him. Alonzo was probably reading his thoughts right now.

“In one way or another your feelings are usually correct.” Alonzo said, proving Munkustrap right. “But who do you think knows?”

“If I had to rule someone out, probably Tugger. Heaviside knows what he would do if he knew. At least he wouldn’t be able to contain his curiosity and would just confront one of us directly. He’s never been subtle. That’s why I want to tell him before we tell anyone else.”

Alonzo remained quiet at that, suddenly looking thoughtful.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Munk teased, pulling gently at an ear.

“Huh? Nothing important. Soon this whole secret affair won’t matter though.” Alonzo purred, rubbing up against Munkustrap affectionately.

“Yes, I can’t wait to see their faces. It’ll be worth the wait.” Reluctantly he stood, starting to bathe himself so he didn’t positively reek of the black and white cat. Alonzo gave him a slightly sad look but mirrored his mate’s actions.

“You know, I’m willing to wait longer, if you feel more comfortable.” Alonzo said softly.

“Lonz….” Abandoning his attempts to remove his mate’s scent from his fur, he nuzzled the black and white cat. “I am comfortable. With you. With this. There’s no one else I want to be with.”

“If you wanted to keep this secret forever I would.”

“I will not ask that of you.” Munk smiled. “You are-”

His sentiments were interrupted by an unholy wailing echoing across the junkyard. Alonzo and Munk both stuck their heads out of the silver tabby’s den. The wailing continued, causing the fur to rise on the backs of their necks.

“Was that-” Alonzo began.

“- Pouncival.” Munkustrap finished. “I’d bet anything on it.”

The two toms quickly vacated the den, unaware of the cat watching them leave in their haste.

Not too long before Munkustrap and Alonzo’s very important meeting….

Tumblebrutus sighed and picked a flea out of his fur, ears twitching towards the shuffling happening behind him and slightly up to the right. Being this far out into the junkyard, nearly at the very edge of the Jellicle’s territory, was highly discouraged. Since it was so highly discouraged Tumble and his brother had made it a point to go exploring as much as they could, resulting in them finding the perfect set piece for their distraction. Now it was all a matter of getting into place, which was proving to be a bit of a problem. Tumble listened to the scuffling a bit longer before turning towards the flagpole he had been sitting in front of.

“Hey, Pounce, you think you could hurry it up a bit?”

“Hey, Tumble, you think you could shut your face a bit?” Ever the eloquent one, Pouncival shot a sour look at his brother before slowly shimmying up the flagpole a few feet higher.

“Look, we don’t have much time before-”

“I’m trying to concentrate!” Those were words that were rarely heard out of Pounce’s mouth, and for a minute Tumble was at a loss of what to say next.

A couple more feet up the flagpole and Tumble finally had a comeback. Sort of. Too bad Pounce had beaten him to it.

“Just because you want to be all high and mighty doesn’t mean you’re the right cat for the job!” Pounce yelled, swaying a little in the breeze.

“Do you even know what ‘high and mighty’ means? Because it has nothing to do with how literally high up you are.” Tumble said, walking backwards a little so he could properly see Pounce while yelling at him. He had to admit that Pounce had managed to climb to an impressive height. Eventually there would be a matter of just how the tom would get back down, but that was a problem for future Pouncival.

“What?” Pounce yelled, unable to hear his brother’s retort at the height he had climbed to.

Tumble sighed and sat back down in the dirt. A few more minutes and then he could enact the next part of their plan. Sure was deserted out in this corner of the junkyard though. If he were a lesser cat he would have been nervous. A sharp pain at the end of his tail made him pause, and he looked down to realize he had been anxiously pulling the fur out. Quickly he let go and shook himself.

There was no doubt that their plan would work. Surely the adults had noticed that he and Pounce were missing by now, and would eventually come find them if only to assure themselves that the patched siblings were not causing too much trouble. Which, truth be told, they really weren’t doing much. It had been Pounce’s brilliant idea to just _imply_ that they were up to no good, which was a great plan because that meant that Tumble didn’t have to do much but sit around and wait while Pounce did all the hard work.

If Munkustrap and Alonzo took the bait and showed up then Tumble and Pounce could enact phase two of their plan, which involved running away very quickly and in different directions, keeping the two toms occupied until Tugger and the others had time to find whatever it was they were looking for. That had been Tumble’s contribution to the plan. Of course, it’d take forever just to get out to this corner of the junkyard. They really had ventured far outside the normal boundaries this time. Tumble squinted up at the flagpole, shielding his eyes against the sun to try and see his brother. Surely he was high up enough now.

“Pounce, are you-”

Pouncival let out a shriek of terror, the sound making every fur on Tumble’s body stand on end. Yelling wildly had been part of the plan, mainly to get Munk and Alonzo’s attention, but this was not the sound of Pounce having fun. This was the pure wailing of fear.

Tumble could just see his brother clinging to the top of the flagpole, legs and tail wrapped securely around the metal, pointing at- at something…. Tumble looked again, this time trying to pinpoint what Pounce was looking at.

It was too late. Tumble didn’t even have time to shriek before the source of Pounce’s terror was upon him.

Mungojerrie stayed hidden until Munkustrap and Alonzo were long out of sight of Munkustap’s den, wincing as Pouncival’s screeching hit a new high. Whatever that kitten was doing he was going all out. He could hear the commotion on the other side of the junkyard from whatever stunt Tumble and Pounce had caused, and for a moment Jerrie almost abandoned his post to check out what it was. But, while he was a mischievous, perhaps a little bit easily distracted, cat, he did take pride in being reliable when he felt like it. Besides, Teazer had, in no uncertain terms, told him to stay put and watch for Munk and Lonz’s departure so he could give the signal or otherwise face her wrath. And a wrathful Rumpleteazer was nothing to sneeze at.

Jerrie sneezed, following up with a rather impressive imitation of a pigeon’s cooing. As expected, Teazer popped up from her hiding spot at the signal, followed by Etcetera and Electra. The queens scurried over, Etcetera and Electra taking up their posts outside Munkustrap’s den while Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer did what they did best.

“Wow, you weren’t kidding.” Jerrie said, sneezing again as they entered the silver tabby’s den. “Smells like a right old den of inequity in here. Makes me feel old and feeble in comparison. Didn’t think either Munk nor Lonz had it in ‘em.”

“Come off it, you’re not that old.” Teazer giggled. She none too delicately pawed through Munk’s carefully arranged things.

“Hey, Teaze, ease up on the pawing. Don’t want Munk smellin’ us on his stuff.”

“Jer, you really think Munk’ll be able to smell our measly scents among all this?” The queen gestured at the air thick with pheromones. “We’ll be lucky if the others don’t take one whiff of us after this and think we’ve been gettin’ down and dirty with-”

“Right, right, let’s get this over with quick.” Jerrie said, resuming his rifling of Munk’s things. It was rather disappointing. There weren’t any secret treasures or scandalous trinkets to be found. Not even so much as an incriminating love letter or secret gift shared between mates to embarrass the Jellicle Protector with.

“Maybe Lonz has some stuff at his place.” Teazer said, flipping through some old papers. “There’s got to be something we can use- aha!”

“Find something?” Jerrie peered over her shoulder.

“Ah, no, wait, nevermind.” Teazer mournfully put down the paper she held. “Thought it was a love letter but it’s just a passionately written to do list.”

“Does it have Lonz’s name on it?”

“Shockingly, no. Although Tugger’s name is.”

“‘Talk to Tugger’. Hmm. Wonder what that means?”

They didn’t have time to ponder their discovery, for Etcetera stuck her head inside and whispered, “Guys, come look at this!”

The two emerged from Munk’s den just in time to see a good number of jellicles rush by, not a single cat noticing the four. Well, not exactly. One single cat stopped, obviously taken aback at seeing the odd quartet.

“What… what are you all doing in Munkustrap’s den?” Mistoffelees asked, nearly being bowled over by Jennyanydots as she ran off towards Pouncival’s shrieking. The tuxedo staggered out of the way, coming to a more graceful stop in front of Electra and Etcetera.

“We’re… we’re just keeping an eye on things for Munkustrap and Alonzo. Wait, no, just Munkustrap. Why would I say Alonzo? This isn’t his den. He has nothing to do with this place.” Jerrie babbled. Teazer stepped on his foot to shut him up.

The magical tom raised an eyebrow, looking oddly reminiscent of the cat Jerrie insisted he didn’t have anything to do with. “Yes, why would you say Alonzo, I wonder?”

“Look, don’t you need to go check out what’s got all the other cats riled up?” Teazer asked, not unkindly.

“Don’t you?”

“Oh, Misto, you don’t need to worry about us.” Etcetera said, throwing an arm over his shoulder and steering him away. Electra looked like she was about to burst into either laughter or nervous tears, it was hard to tell.

“Shouldn’t Tugger be with you? Alonzo said that he and Rumpleteazer were planning a surprise for Munkustrap’s birthday. Is this part of that surprise?” Mistoffelees said, expression clearly indicating that he knew it was far from the truth and he was merely waiting to see how much further into trouble the four could dig themselves into.

Teazer, being a champion fibber, knew when it was time to let the cat out of the bag, as it were. “Alright, alright, you got us. We were looking for evidence.”

“Evidence? Evidence about what?” With surprising strength Mistoffelees planted himself firmly in place and stopped Etcetera from moving him any further. Everyone looked to Etcetera to spill the beans, but it was Electra who surprised them all.

“Munkustrap and Alonzo are mates.” Electra said.

Mistoffelees merely blinked at the revelation. “Really.”

“Yes. We saw them together. We… we saw a lot.” Electra blushed.

“Most of us. I did not and I’m fine with that.” Jerrie quickly clarified.

“And you’re now breaking into Munkustrap’s den to find evidence that may or may not exist of their secret relationship that you already had visual confirmation of and all know about.” Mistoffelees said slowly.

“It was Tugger’s idea!” Etcetera said excitedly. “He’s keeping an eye on Munk and Lonz so we won’t get caught.”

“Ah, that explains it.” Mistoffelees rolled his eyes. “If this is Tugger’s plan then it doesn’t have to make sense.”

“Hey, Misto, you hang around Munk and Lonz from time to time, do you have anything we can use to get them to fess up?” Teazer asked, sidling up to the magical tom. Jerrie followed suit on his other side so he was trapped.

“No, I don’t.” Mistoffelees said flatly. “Even if I did I respect their right to privacy.”

“Now, see, that’s no fun. You’re too young to be old and stuffy.” Teazer bumped his shoulder playfully.

“Look, I really-” The interrogation of Mistoffelees was interrupted by Tugger running into their corner of the junkyard, looking uncharacteristically frazzled. The maine coon was supposed to have been with the rest of the tribe, keeping an eye on Munk and Alonzo as they investigated whatever it was Pounce and Tumble were doing. Clearly that part of the plan had been abandoned.

“Forget the rest of the plan, you all need to come with me right now!” There was no carefree, lazy drawl to his voice, only complete and utter seriousness. He didn’t even bat an eye at the presence of Mistoffelees.

“What’s going on, Tugger?” Etcetera asked as he led them all towards where the other cats had gone.

“Dogs.” Tugger said. “Dogs got into the junkyard. We have to get out of here before they find us.”

“What about Pounce and Tumble?” Teazer asked as they snaked their way through the junkyard.

“Pounce is the one that spotted them.” Tugger said. “He climbed up to the highest point of the yard and started shrieking at the top of his lungs. I thought it was part of his distraction but then he started wailing about dogs-”

“Stop!” Mistoffelees wormed his way to the front of the line and threw out an arm, halting everyone’s progress. “Everyone be quiet!”

The six of them hunkered down in the debris, ears straining for any sounds of an approaching dog. The stench of one certainly hung in the air, freezing them all in place, everyone looking around wildly for the source. They could still hear Pouncival’s true screams of terror coming from far off in the distance, echoing rather ominously now that they knew it wasn’t part of the ruse.

“We can’t all stay here. We need to keep moving.” Tugger said after they sat in silence for a while.

“Jerrie and I’ll split off and try to see where Jenny and the others went. We saw them run by earlier.” Teazer said.

“Jenny and Skimble will probably be rounding up all the kittens.” Mistoffelees surmised.

“We should go find her.” Electra said, shuddering at the thought of running off alone with a threat lingering around every corner.

“Stick with me and Jerrie and we’ll make sure you get to her.” Teazer said, putting her arm around the frightened kitten’s shoulder.

“But we can’t leave Tugger!” Etcetera said, holding on to said cat’s leg.

“I’ll be fine. Takes more than a mangy dog to take me down.” Tugger said, striking a cocky pose to put her at ease. He purposefully ignored Mistoffelees rolling his eyes behind him.

“Don’t worry Cettie, I’m going with him.” Mistoffelees said. “We need to find Munkustrap and Alonzo. They’ll most likely be going after the dogs.”

“Great, we’re this close to uncovering their secrets and now they’re going to get eaten by- by dogs!” Etcetera wailed.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer gently pried her off of Tugger’s leg, gathering up Electra as well and hauling them both off the direction Jenny had gone.

“I’m not saying I agree with what Cettie said, but if Munk and Lonz get eaten by dogs then I will be very disappointed.” Tugger said, trying to keep the mood light. Perhaps a little too light, judging by the flat look he received from Mistoffelees. “Right. Let’s get going.”

It was much easier for the two of them to sneak around the junkyard then it was when there were six of them. Mistoffelees seemed to be charging his magic up as they went, becoming increasingly more sparkly and glowing as they drew nearer to the outskirts of the junkyard where Pounce and Tumble were poorly hiding. Tumble might have been silently hunkered down somewhere near his brother, but it was a moot point when Pounce shrieked louder than any siren.

“He certainly has a healthy pair of lungs on him.” Mistoffelees muttered.

“Why don’t you just conjure him over here?” Tugger asked.

“Because I’d rather save my magical energies for the dogs. Also, I don’t know exactly where Pouncival is, and if I try to just magic him from where I guess he is then there’s a very good chance I’ll only get half of him. And I don’t think any of us want just half a Pouncival.”

Tugger felt nauseous at the thought. Then something else occurred to him. “Wait a minute, you didn’t know where Old Deuteronomy was when you brought him back after Macavity kidnapped him.”

“You are correct. I didn’t know.” Mistoffelees simply said, checking around a corner for any wayward dogs.

“And yet you still went for it.”

“Yes. And we are all very lucky it all worked out, aren’t we?”

“You’re… you’re one crazy cat.” Tugger said, greatly disturbed by what could have been.

“Well, I couldn’t very well have explained the hazards of blind teleportation after all that hyping up you did. It was a very persuasive song.” Mistoffelees rubbed his paws together. Static electricity sparked between them.

“I’ll have to thank the Everlasting Cat for small miracles.” Tugger took a deep breath to steady himself. The unmistakable scent of Alonzo reached him, the stench of distress intermingled with anger hitting him like a ton of bricks. The stink of dog wafted through the air.

“Hold up.” Tugger grabbed Mistoffelees by the scruff of his neck, earning himself a small electric shock. He shook it off and forced them both to crouch down.

“I smell it too.” Mistoffelees said, voice barely above a whisper. Together they inched around a half rusted washing machine and peered around it.

Three very large dogs took up a large corner of the junkyard, drooling and snarling at the unfortunate cat they had managed to corner. Upon closer inspection it was two cats, one laying prone in the dirt while the second stood guard. The stench of raw fear, anger, and alien dog was overpowering. It was enough to make Tugger sick to his stomach, but the need to find out who the dogs were menacing was enough to push through and venture closer. An overturned refrigerator provided both Tugger and Mistoffelees enough cover to see who it was on the ground.

It was Tumblebrutus. The poor kitten was lying on his side with his back to the dogs, either unconscious or playing dead, it was hard to tell. Standing in front of Tumble was Alonzo, a large gash on his shoulder staining his normally pristine white fur red. He was still on his feet and shot the nearest dog, a dalmatian, an impressive glare, doing his best to stand between them and the downed kitten.

Up above them, at the highest possible point in the junkyard was poor Pouncival, clinging to an old flagpole like his life depended on it. His voice had gone hoarse from screaming and he could only let out a few whimpers. The second dog, some shepherd mix, caught Pouncival’s scent and started to climb up the junk towards its new prey.

That left the third dog, a drooly mutt, to sniff out where Mistoffelees and Tugger were hiding. Mistoffelees let out a kitten like shriek and literally exploded in lightning, zapping the dog directly in the nose. Unfortunately the dog was not deterred, whining and pawing painfully at its ruined nose before barking and coming straight for the two cats.

Tugger grabbed Mistoffelees around the middle and high tailed it out of the way, throwing them both back towards the way they came. The dog pursued them, leaping over the refrigerator and scrambling on the junk with a loud bray, drowning out the panicked hissing and spitting Tugger was currently emitting.

Alonzo yowled loudly, echoed rather hoarsely by Pouncival, catching the attention of the mutt that was after Tugger and Mistoffelees. To their horror the mutt turned around to join the dalmatian in menacing the injured black and white cat.

“Come on, you gotta zap it again.” Tugger insisted as he gave the slightly dazed magician a shake.

“I- I have to charge back up.” Mistoffelees panted as he sought to catch his breath. “That took a lot more power than I anticipated.”

“Fine. Stay here and zap it as soon as you can.” Tugger dropped low to the ground and started off after the dog. “And sweet Heaviside, don’t hit _me_!”

Tugger knew he had to get at least one of the dogs away from Alonzo and Tumble. The shepherd was having a hard time reaching Pounce, aimlessly digging around the flagpole, and so long as the kitten kept his grip he was currently out of harm’s way. The dalmatian and the mutt, however, were a huge problem. Alonzo, while still putting up an impressive aggressive display, was noticeably swaying on his feet, his injury taking its toll on him. If he went down then he and Tumble were both goners.

Never one to really think out the consequences of his actions, Tugger climbed on top of the refrigerator and pulled himself up to his full height. He only had one shot so might as well make it a good one. And if he ended up dying then at least he would go out with his usual flair.

“Hey! Stupid- ass dogs! Yeah, I’m talking to you! How about taking on a _real_ cat?” Oh, that got their attention.

Not only did he get the mutt’s attention but also the dalmatian’s, lucky him. Now he had to figure out how to keep himself alive. Luckily Mistoffelees had enough time to charge up his magic again. The magician ran out into the open, taking aim at the mutt and letting loose another loud crack of lightning, this time hitting it on its side and leaving an ugly burn. It let out a yelp and staggered off, abandoning its pursuit of the cats in favor of easier, less electrical prey outside the junkyard.

That left the dalmatian and the shepherd. The shepherd was still trying to get to Pounce but the dalmatian was torn between Tugger and Alonzo. Alonzo had fallen to one knee, gripping his shoulder and trying to stay conscious. Tumble lay still behind him. Neither would be able to put up a fight, not in their current conditions.

Well, time for Tugger to do what he did best: he stopped thinking and just went for it.

With a deep yowl he threw himself at the dalmatian’s face, clamping down around its jaws with his arms and legs to keep it from biting him. It shook its head wildly from side to side, trying to dislodge him, but he grimly held on, digging his claws in deeper. Tugger knew that he could only hold on for so long, and he hoped that Mistoffelees would be able to avoid hitting him when the magician took aim with his lightning.

There was a loud bark from the shepherd and a warning hiss from said magical cat. The yard lit up with lightning again but it wasn’t aimed at the dalmatian. The shepherd whined and ran off, leaving only the dalmatian to deal with. The dalmatian growled, vibrating Tugger’s body, and the cat did the next best thing he could do: he reared his head back and bit the dog in the face.

The dalmatian howled and threw its head around in a circle, trying desperately to dislodge its unwanted passenger. Tugger felt himself slipping. Sooner than later he would be thrown off and at the mercy of the dog’s teeth. The dog had staggered closer to the refrigerator, almost running face first into it and squishing Tugger in the process. One hit and he’d be done for.

In another stroke of luck Munkustrap burst out of a nearby pile of junk, screeching and hissing at the dog like a wild animal. The dalmatian didn’t have time to get out of the way before it was painfully gouged by the Jellicle Protector’s teeth and claws. It yelped and tried to shake him off, but the silver tabby firmly anchored himself to the beast and started biting at its ears.

“Leave my mate alone!” Munk yelled, loud enough for everyone still in the junkyard to hear.

“Hey, I’m here too!” Tugger yelled back, feeling a little left out.

“Tugger?” Munk paused his attack. “What are you-”

“How about we talk about this later?” Tugger said as the dog began to jump up and down like a deranged joyride. “When we’re not both attached to a dog?”

“Right.” Munk resumed his evisceration of the dalmatian’s ears. His fur was already stained with the blood of a different dog, one that could only be assumed to have been defeated in another part of the junkyard. That would explain why it took the silver tabby so long to get to them.

“Let go of the dog!” Mistoffelees yelled, and without thinking both Munk and Tugger let go and fell to the ground, covering their heads as the dog stomped over them. A blast of lightning ripped through the air, frying the dalmatian above them. It let out a howl and staggered away, nearly trampling the two toms as it ran off in its haste.

“Is… is it gone?” Tugger breathed, fur standing on end. Munk carefully looked around. There were no dogs in sight.

“Yes, I believe so.” Munk said warily. “I took care of the other one. And it looks like the other two ran off during the fight.”

A low groan met their ears and the two turned just in time for Alonzo to fall heavily to the ground. Instantly Munk was running over to his mate, torn between acting as a calm protector or hysterical lover. He settled for a weird blend of both, nuzzling Alonzo’s face while also pressing down on the still bleeding wound. Tugger turned his attentions to Tumblebrutus, who was clearly breathing but still unconscious. Behind him Tugger could hear a commotion. The other cats filtered back into the junkyard, the adults quickly organizing a search to make sure the dogs had truly left. Jenny gathered up Jellylorum and the two ran over to the injured to administer first aid. Tugger stepped back so Jelly could take a look at Tumble, keeping an ear trained towards Munk as Jenny set in on tending to Alonzo.

“Oh, Alonzo, poor thing. Here, Munkustrap, let me step in-” Jenny started.

“No.” Munk sounded firm.

“Come on, I need to-”

“No! Don’t touch him!” Ah. So Munk had gone from calm to hysterical. Tugger sighed.

“Munk, let her look at your mate. He’ll be fine.” He said, loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Your… mate? Oh, how wonderful, dear. You’re both very good for each other. Just let me take a look, there you go, good job. Ah, see, this is nothing that can’t be patched up. Here, why don’t you carry him over to my den and we can sort him out.” Jenny said soothingly. There was a shuffle of movement and out of the corner of his eye Tugger could see Munk scoop up Alonzo and hurry off after Jenny.

Tugger stood and gave the surrounding area a good once over, staying close to Tumble in case Jelly needed his help. Mistoffelees, looking extra sparkly and extra exhausted, stood under the flagpole and gestured purposefully up at Pouncival, who was still clinging to the top. With a shower of glitter the kitten was suddenly on the ground, tumbling head over heels and landing flat on his face. Without even missing a beat Pounce ran over to his brother.

Tugger couldn’t help but remember his earlier conversation with Mistoffelees and checked to see if all of Pouncival had made it down safely. Mistoffelees caught him checking and simply rolled his eyes.

“Tumble! Tumble! Is he dead?” Pounce asked, voice barely audible as Jelly instructed Tugger to pick up the kitten and head off towards Jenny’s den.

“No, Pounce, he’s not dead.” Tugger said, noting how oddly the kitten’s arm hung from his shoulder. “Might have injured his arm though. Let’s go see Jenny.”

Overall they were very lucky. Alonzo and Tumble were the only two cats to have been hurt by the four dogs that had invaded the junkyard. Munkustrap managed to take out a dog entirely on his own, with the other three being dispatched by Tugger and Mistoffelees. Thanks in part to Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer’s efforts all the kittens had managed to get to safety and the rest of the cats escaped unscathed.

Jenny had kicked everyone but those directly related to the injured outside her den, refusing to confirm the rumors of Munkustrap and Alonzo being a couple. Luckily Etcetera and Electra decided to set everyone straight, leaving out the more… explicit details. Mungojerrie, Rumpleteazer, Tugger and Mistoffelees lounged outside Jenny’s den, watching the various reactions with varying degrees of amusement.

“Well, it didn’t turn out like I had planned, but we did it.” Tugger said. “We finally got them to admit that they’re mates. And we didn’t even have to blackmail them.”

“Finally.” Mistoffelees said with an approving nod. “I thought they’d never go public.”

“Yeah, it took ‘em- wait a minute!” Teazer shot the magician a look. “You knew about Munk and Lonz all along!”

“Yes.” Mistoffelees smiled knowingly. “I caught Alonzo practicing his pick up lines right before he asked Munkustrap out. I didn’t know for sure that he actually went through with it but I had my suspicions.”

“You’re an absolute menace.” Tugger said. “First Old Deuteronomy, now this.”

“What’s this about Old D?” Jerrie asked, suddenly interested.

“Ask him. I’m done thinking about it.” Tugger waved her over to Mistoffelees. “I’ve got a brother to bother. Er, congratulate.”

It wasn’t hard finding his brother. Predictably Munkustrap was right at Alonzo’s side, fussing over his newly proclaimed mate with as much enthusiasm as Jennyanydots, who was currently bandaging the gash on the black and white cat’s shoulder. Said cat was awake, looking impressively annoyed at the blood staining his fur.

“Stop grousing about the bloodstains, that will clean out. You’re lucky that dog didn’t take your head off.” Jenny said disapprovingly. “If that happened then where would we be?”

“Well, for one, Tumble would have been eaten if I hadn’t intervened.” Alonzo muttered, leaning his head rather tiredly against Munkustrap.

Said Tumble had woken up from his ordeal, luckily only having a dislocated shoulder and some bruising after his run in with the dog. As soon as the dog had seen him it had swung at him, knocking him out immediately: if Alonzo hadn’t stepped in the kitten would have been a goner. Pouncival was at Tumble’s side, shooting anyone who came near them a fiercely protective glare. He softened a bit at the sight of Tugger.

“Hey, Tugger, didja see what Misto did to that dog?” Pounce said hoarsely, bouncing in place and jostling poor Tumble.

“Yeah, pretty amazing stuff.” Tugger gently nudged a pillow in between Tumble and Pounce to act as a buffer, receiving a grateful look from the injured kitten. “How are you guys?”

“I’m fine. Jenny said if I rest my voice it should come back soon.” Pounce said, voice barely above a whisper.

“Are you gonna be able to be quiet that long?” Tugger asked.

“Probably not.” Tumble said, dodging a swipe from his brother. “Hey, I’m actually injured here!”

“Yeah, but only your shoulder. The rest of you is still fair game.” Pounce mercilessly but gently pulled on Tumble’s tail.

“Please take me with you.” Tumble begged, only half serious.

Tugger laughed. “Glad to see that you’re doing well.”

“Hey, Tugger?” Pounce said with a wince. Jelly shoved a mug of hot tea and honey into his paws, giving him a pointed look.

“What, Pounce?”

“Did we… did we do a good job distracting?” Pounce looked anxiously hopeful.

“Yeah, kid, you did. You and Tumble both.” Tugger leaned in close. “I’ll put in a real good word with Bomba for you, promise.”

Pounce did a victorious fist pump, nearly throwing hot tea all over his brother. Tugger wisely took his leave while Jelly descended upon the kittens. It was time to bothe- congratulate Munkustrap and Alonzo and make sure they were still alright.

Munk was still sitting next to Alonzo, eyes fixed upon his mate with a rather disturbing intensity. Alonzo had settled for soothing the stressed cat with physical contact instead of words, too tired to do much else but rest his head in Munk’s lap. Jenny finished bandaging up Alonzo and left the two alone with a knowing smile. Munk took a damp washcloth and tenderly tried to wipe the blood out of Alonzo’s fur. The gentle ministrations were lulling the already exhausted cat to sleep.

“Hey.” Tugger settled down next to Munkustrap and Alonzo with a sly smile. “Guess congratulations are in in order. Well done, you two. What a total surprise. Definitely did not see that coming. Not one bit. In fact, compared to everyone here, I’m probably the most surprised.”

Alonzo, despite being barely awake, managed to exchange a look with Munk before looking back at Tugger with a suspicious squint. “You knew.”

“I did not.” Tugger said in mock indignation.

“You did. I can tell.” Munk sighed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you say anything? From what I can tell you two have been together for a while.”

“Not every-” Alonzo yawned, closing his eyes. “Not everything needs to be… out… out in the open, Tug.”

“Get some rest. I’ll sort out my brother.” Munk said softly, gently resting a paw on Alonzo’s cheek. Within seconds the cat was out.

“He’ll be alright, Munk. You saved him.” Tugger said, noting how worried the silver tabby looked.

“You did most of the saving, Tugger. If you and Mistoffelees hadn’t arrived when you did, I don’t… I don’t even want to think about it.” Munk looked positively miserable at the thought.

“Then don’t. What’s done is done. And everyone came through.” Tugger gently nudged his shoulder. “And now you have better things to worry about.”

“And what would that be?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe dealing the fact that everyone in the junkyard knows about your secret love affair.”

“Tugger, we were going to tell everyone about it eventually. We just wanted to keep things to ourselves for a while. _I_ wanted to keep things quiet. To make sure that we were secure. That _I_ was secure.” Munk fondly traced the black and white stripes in Alonzo’s fur.

“Not really like you to be insecure about things, Munk.” Tugger said.

“Regardless, this is important to me. And really, I was going to tell you first. I wrote down a reminder and everything.”

“Nice to know that I was- wait, you were going to tell me?” Tugger gaped at the tom.

“Of course. You’re my brother.” Munk shrugged. “After I told you then Alonzo and I were going to go public next week on-”

“On your birthday.” Tugger groaned. While he had lied to Alonzo about him and Teazer meeting in secret to plan Munk’s birthday, he wasn’t lying about the silver tabby’s birthday coming up.

“Yes. Kind of a gift to myself. Guess… guess that’s not really necessary anymore.” Munk said, looking slightly apprehensive.

“You can still make a formal announcement then. I can help you make it really memorable.” Tugger suggested, giving his tired brother a wink.

“Thank you, but I… no. Just no.”

Within a few days everything was relatively back to normal. Tumble, Pounce and Alonzo recovered from their injuries. While the revelation of Munkustrap and Alonzo’s relationship was a surprise, it was very readily accepted and quickly became old news.

Much to the new couple’s horror Jenny and Jelly sat them both down and gave them the famous ‘safe mating practices’ talk, an event that Tugger took great delight in witnessing. In order to save face Alonzo had disappeared for a period of time to do ‘extra patrols’ while Munk sat on the tire looking slightly shell shocked and flinching every time one of the older queens walked by.

“Don’t they look so cute together?” Etcetera sighed, watching as Alonzo nuzzled up against Munk’s side to watch over the junkyard. It didn’t take long for the black and white cat to get over his previous embarrassment of Jenny and Jelly’s talk, busying himself with scenting his mate so much that there was no doubt as to who Munk belonged to.

“Wish I could find someone to look at me like that.” Electra agreed. At least out in the open the two toms weren’t likely to do anything beyond the cutesy stuff. She hoped.

“Ooo, maybe at the next ball you could ask-”

“Hey girls!” Rumpleteazer called, skidding around a corner in her haste. “You’ll never guess who I saw sneaking off with Plato-”

“No! Never again!” Electra screamed. “I don’t want to hear it!”

Things had moved on. All was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Thanks again for the kudos and comments!


End file.
